BALI

A fortnight ago, Mum dangled a pair of minimicro lycra shorts in front of me. Not one to pull of skanky Kardashian antics, I stared at her with a look that pleaded ‘explanation please!’

She then gleefully proclaimed, “I’m going to swim in this” and seemed genuinely excited by the prospects of waddling in the pool. It’s rather bewildering because I don’t recall any of us (true blue heliophobes) actively swimming in the last few years; even my dad has given if up, claming that it affected his golf swing.

Unable to grasp the concept wholly, I asked again, "You are going to swim?"

Yes, in our private pool. Aren’t you?

Hmm, no? It was as if the private pool at the villa had failed to register in my “Things to do in Bali” plans. Come to think of it I haven’t swam in years, well 5 to be exact, after I was done compulsory swimming classes in JC. I guess there are many reasons why I haven’t swim in years, chief among which:

I have issues with the sun.

Yeah but I figured it would be nice to take a dip at night.

I have bigger issues with the swimsuit.

Man, those things are so unforgiving! I just can't imagine squeezing myself into one of those dreadful stretchy things that cling onto your f-. Growing up, I never failed to remind myself of a bak zhang. If I had it my way, childhood pictures of me in a swimsuit would be incinerated.

What if someone calls up the White House, “Mr. President, I think we have found the weapon of mass destruction… right here in Bali, Seminyak.”

Argh! I don’t want to spend Christmas in handcuffs.

It’s a PRIVATE pool. Yeah well whatever. I have no wish to inflict visual horror fest on natural flora and fauna of Bali.

I don’t own a swimsuit. But say, if (for some freak reason) I were to get one, I want a nice swimsuit- no Hawaiian flowers or Speedos. I’m only going to be in Bali for four days so I’m not going to splash out of a swimsuit that would get thrown to the back of my closet and never see the light of day once I’m back. Then again if I were to just wet my feet, I probably don’t need a swimsuit, right? Ok I admit, I did pop into Butt Cheels and NewUrbanMale a couple of times over the weekend but after looking through the outlandish outfits, I ended up feeling really nauseated.

Unable to detect the wet blanket I’ve been, my mum offered, “I’ve a few old swimsuits, I’m sure you can fit into them.“

Uh-oh. My mum’s taste and mine are as different as chalk and cheese- she’s into colour and prints, while I stick to monochromes. True enough, I found a couple of swimwear fashion disasters- polka dots, red with blue hibiscus- but surprise surprise, I chanced upon a PLAIN black halter. Squeezing myself into it, I felt like an honorary member of the Johnsonville Sausage fan club.

When did you get this?

1979

Ok, so technically my swimsuit is older than me.

Where did you get it?

Scotland.

That’s akin to saying, “I got my mink jacket from the Bahamas”.

Well, at least I have a swimsuit. GASP.

And I'm off to Bali for 4 days till the 25th.
Merry Christmas to you all!