Sunday, March 10

Eight months on

(I wrote this when Russell was about seven months old but decided to wait until I was a little more emotionally stable before publishing it.) 

Mummy thinks that adding a few pictures of me will 
help lighten up this emo post. You bet. 

A weird thought popped into my head the other day: I wish Russell was born to someone more patient, more caring ... someone like his yaya.

I can't believe I'm saying this but I really admire her. She's a natural when it comes to the bub. The way she coaxes him, plays with him and sings him to sleep... I don't blame Russell for wanting to hang out with her - heck, I would wanna hang with her too if I were a baby.

I'll always be mummy's boy - till I get a wife. 
Don't worry, Mummy is fully prepared for that. 

Me? I just find taking care of a baby so draining. I haven't even started to work on a full-time basis and I'm wiped out before 7pm everyday, to be exact. The other day, Russell winced and whined in my arms, and I gave him a tap on his butt and said, "Stop that". I was shocked by the inability to control myself as that reflex came about so suddenly. At times, I even make it a point not to hold him because I don't him to sense my fatigue and frustration.

Before you call Child Services, I will state for the record that I have never regretted having Russell. I love seeing the bub's ballsy little face first thing in the morning; I love seeing him go from dazed to delighted when I call out to him; and I miss him terribly when he's not around me so much so that I look at other people's babies for some semblance when I'm out without him.

Yet sometimes I wonder what I'm doing around this family, as in what my contribution really is. I'm not the breadwinner; Ina and Nigella aren't exactly speed-dialing me for leftover turkey solutions; and there are moments when I feel the bub probably doesn't notice I'm not around. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my parents who have never said a mean word throughout this period of time; it takes great aptitude and judgement to know when to jump in to help and more importantly, when to step aside and let others take over without feeling hurt. 

I have been told girls dig humour. 

Then there are times when I ask myself, "So why did you have kids if you aren't the most patient person around?"

Guess what, inner-voice-of-mine? It's too late to ask this question and besides, the bub brings so much joy to so many people. So. Many. People.

Maybe this is it. The people-pleaser in me (Middle Child Syndrome) has always sought to make people around me happy, and thus raising  a healthy and happy child is my biggest contribution to this family.


I regret ending on such a 'WTH' note. I'm still trying to figure things out and sure hope, for Russell's sake, that I sort it out soon.


Zhu! said...

It's a process! Miss you.

yixiao said...

thank you =)

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know - I have two kids and I just figured out the answer to that question.

If it offers some comfort - you are on the right track by being completely upfront & honest abt it, and trying to make sense of it.

Oysterdiaries said...

Press on!!

Your kid's really cute. Bet he's an auntie-killer hehehe.

yixiao said...

Thank you all!

Parenthood isn't easy so we have got to take stock of our blessings :)

Dumpling Love said...

It's a difficult transition period for most mothers, I'm sure. The mere fact that you have brought another life into the world is admirable I think. It's hard but jia you!

Anonymous said...

your candid honesty is evidence you are a wonderful mother, maybe you just don't give yourself enough credit :)

motherhood is crazy shit, and it beats me if you aren't a little loopy in the process. think of it as rollercoaster loops of highs and lows, aka six flags.

Anonymous said...

Don't compare. And don't feel insecure (if it's that). No matter how good the Yaya/others are with him, the babe will always love Mommy most. Really. You are the half that makes your little family complete - don't need to be anything more, just yourself :)

yixiao said...

thank you all for the encouragement. in an odd way, i'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way =)

floberita said...

you are definitely not the only mom feeling this way! Motherhood is not all lovey-dovey 'love u to bits honey baby", i have been known to make a quick exit to a chill cafe come feeding time cos my bubba used to scream and holler and refused to eat. Was I ever grateful for my helper for being so patient in feeding my fussy eater!

I had also envisaged myself banging my head against the wall when I couldn't figure out the incessant crying and tantrums...but by God's grace, I survived and learnt not to beat myself up but slowly learn to manage him through the role models I've had.

yixiao said...

I honestly can't thank you guys enough =)

vivian chan said...

Don't feel bad! It's all going to pass and while I can't promise the future gets better (hello terrible twos!) the process will continue to be fulfilling and enjoyable.